| How to Cope with a Dysfunctional Family Posted: 07 Jan 2020 12:00 AM PST It is never easy to cope with a dysfunctional family. Family dysfunction can drain your emotional and physical energy. Family get-togethers may be very difficult and managing conflict may feel impossible. To cope, learn to set boundaries and avoid subjects that cause disagreement. Limit contact with family members that cause problems and learn to put yourself first. Remember, your emotional needs and well-being should be valued. When coping with a dysfunctional family, know and stand up for your own rights. [Edit]Dealing with Family Events - Keep your expectations realistic. Dysfunctional families may be resistant to change. When going into a family situation, work on keeping your expectations in check. If you accept that some conflict and difficulty is inevitable, you may be less frustrated by disagreement.[1]
- Know your most difficult family members. Limit the amount of time you spend with these people. If your mother, for instance, tends to be the cause of drama, keep your distance.
- Do not expect a dramatic change. Breaking free of a cycle of dysfunction is difficult. If it does happen, it will take time. Go into the event knowing it will likely be difficult. At the same time, do be open to the possibility that it might be okay. Don't foreshadow events by deciding that they will be terrible. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.
- Take someone with you to family events. Having a buffer can help you cope. Ask a friend or romantic partner to accompany you to support you emotionally during family functions.[2]
- Your family may be on better behavior in the presence of an outsider. Is there anyone you could invite? Maybe a friend of yours does not have Christmas plans. See if they want to join your family's festivities.
- Give your buffer a fair warning, however. Let them know your family can be difficult at times.
- Limit alcohol. Alcohol tends to fuel emotion. If your family is difficult by nature, too much alcohol could lead to an increase in conflict.[3]
- There may be problem drinkers in your family. If this is the case, it's a good idea to call family members and request an alcohol-free get together.
- Try to provide other beverages, like sparkling cider, instead of alcohol.
- Some family members may be uninterested in attending an event without alcohol. These people will likely not show up, or leave early. Limiting alcohol can be a great way to keep the more difficult family members away.
- Steer the conversation away from conflict. If your family fights, you can take it upon yourself to limit argument. It's frustrating when it's up to you to make sure people get along, but sometimes it's inevitable. Listen to various conversations and work on changing the topic when necessary.[4]
- By now, you likely know the topics that trigger drama in your family. For instance, maybe your Uncle John is chronically unemployed due to his drinking. He tends to become very sensitive when the topic is raised.
- When you hear the problem topic arising, act fast. For example, maybe your dad says something like, "John, have you applied to any jobs lately? It's been, what, 6 months?"
- Jump in right away and steer the conversation out of the danger zone. You can try to play a game, like 20 questions, or simply change the subject. For example, "Dad, actually, Sarah just applied to a job at a bookstore. She's really excited about it."
- It can be helpful to go into the event with a list of "safe" topics that you think everyone will enjoy. Maybe jot these down in your phone in case you panic and forget.
- Have an escape route. At times, it's appropriate to walk away. If someone is getting hostile or difficult, know an excuse you can use to dodge an interaction.[5]
- Think of various ways to slip out for a minute. You could, for example, offer to help out in the kitchen or run to the store to get something.
- If you want to leave early, think of an excuse. You could say you're watching a friend's pet and need to check in on it, for example. It can be helpful to lay the groundwork for this early. Say on the front end that you can only stay until whatever determined time, and that way people are not offended when you leave.
- Let go of some conflicts. You do not have control over other people's lives and decisions. Even if you want a family member to change, you cannot do it for them. Try to avoid becoming emotionally invested in long-standing conflicts over which you have little power.[6]
- For instance, maybe your mother is always very critical of you and your siblings. As a result, none of you have much contact with her. At family events, she continues to be critical and push people away.
- You may wish your mother was different. You may want a better relationship with her; however, keep in mind it's her responsibility to change. If she continues to be resistant to altering her behavior, there is little you can do for her. Try your best to emotionally disengage.
- Also remember that family events may just not be the right time to address these conflicts. Know that you can revisit these issues at a later time if you feel it's important. That way, holidays are not ruined by fighting.
[Edit]Managing Your Relationship with Your Family - Recognize your own emotional needs. You have a right to feel respected and safe in your relationships. No one should violate this right. The first step to asserting yourself is identifying what you need.[7]
- Everyone deserves respect, and that includes you. You have a right to be around people who bring you up rather than down. In a dysfunctional family, your thoughts may be skewed. You may question whether you deserve respect. Remind yourself you do.
- Think about what behaviors are and are not acceptable. For example, maybe your father continually criticizing your career choice is not acceptable to you. You're proud of what you do, regardless of what your father thinks. It's well within your rights to assert as much.
- Be firm about boundaries. In the moment, let someone know when they've crossed a line. You do not have to be aggressive or mean. You can be respectful while simultaneously making it clear where the line is.[8]
- For example, shopping with your mother is always a headache. She's very critical of your appearance and tends to scrutinize the clothing you like. However, she continues to push you to go shopping with her.
- Your mother has asked you repeatedly to go shopping this weekend. After the third or fourth time she asks, state your boundaries clearly. Say something like, "Mom, I love the time we spend together, but I think we stress each other out when we go shopping together. If you want to get lunch or see a movie some time, great, but I'm not interested in going shopping with you anymore."
- After establishing your boundaries, it can be helpful to change the subject. This signals to the other party that the boundaries are not up for debate and also suggests that you are not angry with them. Ask about a mutual friend or if they've seen any good movies recently.
- Use "I"-statements when you assert yourself. "I"-statements are statements phrased in a way to reduce blame. Instead of placing an objective judgment on a situation, you emphasize your personal feelings. They have 3 parts. They begin with "I feel..." after which you immediately state your feelings. From there, you explain the behavior that led to that feeling. Lastly, you say why you felt the way you did.[9]
- For example, you're frustrated that your father has again insulted your girlfriend in front of you. You may be inclined to say something like, "It's incredibly rude to make comments on Noel's weight. That's completely disrespectful to me and to her."
- This can be rephrased using an "I"-statement. Say something like, "I feel disrespected when you make comments on Noel's weight because that's an issue she's very sensitive to and I've explained this to you before."
- Lead by example. Show genuine compassion and concern for your family. Check in with them regularly and invest in them as people. Do not let their bad behavior dictate your treatment of them — the 2 should exist separately from each other.
- For instance, don't respond to a rude family member by being rude in return or by just writing them off. Try to respond to them with compassion and understanding. Going tit-for-tat isn't going to improve the situation.
- Walk away when necessary. Despite your best efforts to assert your needs, some people are just very difficult. If your family is not responding to your attempts to assert yourself, it's okay to leave some situations.[10]
- For example, your father is relentless when you tell him to stop disrespecting your girlfriend. Instead of apologizing, he responds, "You're being hypersensitive. I just care about her health." You can tell, from his tone, he's getting hostile.
- It may not be worth it to push the issue at this point. Your father is getting angry. Even as you try to respectfully address the situation, he's trying to force an argument.
- At this point, just walk away. Say something like, "This isn't getting us anywhere. I'm going to go for a walk, okay?" Then, give yourself some time to cool down.
[Edit]Regulating Your Emotions - See a therapist. It's very hard to deal with the emotional toll of a dysfunctional family alone. A qualified therapist can help you deal with the damage done by familial dysfunction. Seek out a therapist in your area to work out your issues.[11]
- You can ask your regular doctor for a referral to a therapist. You can also ask your insurance provider to help you find a therapist in your area.
- If you are a student, you may be entitled to free counseling from your college or university.
- Allow yourself to feel angry. Many people feel they must forgive or let go of bad behavior. If your family has been unfair to you, it's okay to feel anger. It's actually healthy to allow yourself to experience anger when you've been disrespected or mistreated.[12]
- Forgiveness can be the last step in recovery. However, it is rarely healthy to forgive first. You need to put the blame on those causing the problems. Do not expect yourself to fix problems via forgiveness.
- Find productive ways to vent anger. Talk to close friends or go to support groups. You can also write a letter to difficult family members and then burn it.
- Work on expressing your emotions. If you come from a dysfunctional family, you may have difficulty expressing your emotions. Work on ways to express yourself in a healthy and productive fashion. If you're seeing a therapist, it may be valuable to talk this over with them.[13]
- Stop to identify your emotions several times a day. Growing up in a dysfunctional family, you may have learned to repress or ignore your emotions. Try to take time to notice what you are feeling. Also, what caused the feeling? What are you responding to? You can try keeping a journal in which you record your daily feelings.
- You can cope with your emotions by sharing them with others. Work on finding people who are supportive. You should only share your emotions with people who respond with kindness and affirmation.
- Learn to trust others. This can be one of the hardest parts of coping with a dysfunctional family. It may be difficult to trust if you come from a difficult home life. Start by taking small risks, and then build from there.[14]
- Practice seeking out the support of healthy people. Get to know people who are kind and positive. Building a "family" of quality friends is extremely important in maintaining self-esteem and helping someone cope with family dysfunction.
- You may have difficulty telling others how you're feeling. Work on getting over this hurdle. Start by occasionally expressing small needs and wants to those around you. You can begin expressing greater needs and wants over time.
- Take good care of yourself. You may neglect your own self-care if you come from a dysfunctional home. If you spent a lot of time coping with conflict, you may put your own health and well-being aside. Work on practicing basic self-care. This alone can help you better regulate your emotions.[15]
- You need to do things for yourself. Make sure you eat healthy meals, get exercise, and take care of basic hygiene.
- You should also treat yourself on occasion. If you need to take a day off, take one. Indulge in small pleasures, like going to see a movie, having coffee with a friend, or ordering takeout after a long day.
- Be aware that others may be "dumping" their negative feelings on you. If someone is feeling helpless or powerless, they may criticize you in order to feel stronger. Do not take this personally.
[Edit]Warnings - If dysfunction takes the form of physical abuse, end the relationship. No one should be hitting, kicking, or otherwise physically harming you.
[Edit]References [Edit]Quick Summary |
| How to Make a Borax Crystal Snowflake Posted: 06 Jan 2020 04:00 PM PST Creating borax crystal snowflakes is a fun way to do science and make something beautiful at the same time! It only takes a few items to make borax crystal snowflakes, and they are easy to make. You will have to wait overnight for the snowflakes to form, so plan ahead if you will need the snowflake by a certain time. Try making a crystal snowflake to use as an ornament, sun catcher, or something pretty to display on a shelf. [Edit]Creating the Snowflake Base - Cut a pipe cleaner into 3 even-sized pieces. If your pipe cleaners are long, then each piece will be . You can measure if you want to be precise, but it's also okay to eyeball it.[1]
- Make sure to use a strong pair of scissors or wire cutters to cut through the pipe cleaner.[2]
- You can use white pipe cleaners for white crystal snowflakes, or use colored pipe cleaners so that the color will be visible through the clear crystals.[3]
- Twist together 2 of the pipe cleaner pieces to form an X. Take 2 of the pieces you cut from the pipe cleaner and cross them to form an X. Then, twist the ends of the pipe cleaners in opposite directions 2 times to secure them together.[4]
- Don't twist the pipe cleaners too much or you will have a clump of wires in the center of the X.
- Wrap a third pipe cleaner around the center of the X. Next, take the remaining pipe cleaner piece and wrap it around the center of the X. Distribute the ends of the pipe cleaner evenly on both sides of the X. This will connect all 3 pipe cleaner pieces into a shape that looks similar to an asterisk (*).[5]
- Make sure the third pipe cleaner is securely attached, but do not twist it too many times around the other 2 pipe cleaners. Once or twice is plenty!
- Cut another pipe cleaner into 6 equal-sized pieces. Each of these pieces will be about half the size of the first set of pipe cleaner pieces you made. If the first set was each, then this set will be each.[6]
- You may want to use a ruler to ensure that the pieces are all the same size. Hold the pipe cleaner just above a ruler and use the markings on the ruler to guide you as you cut.
- Twist the short pieces around the spokes for a more intricate design. To complete your design, form V shapes around the spokes with the shorter pieces of pipe cleaner. Position the short pipe cleaner about from the end of a spoke with an equal amount of pipe cleaner on each side. Then, move the ends of the pipe cleaner to the opposite sides of the spoke to wrap the small piece around it. Pull the ends tight to ensure that the pipe cleaner piece is secured to the spoke.[7]
- Repeat this for all of the other small pieces on the remaining 5 spokes.
[Edit]Mixing the Borax Solution - Fill a glass measuring cup with 4 cups (960 mL) of hot water. Bring the water to a boil by placing it in the microwave for about 3 minutes, or by boiling it in a pot or kettle on the stovetop. Ensure that the container can hold this amount of fluid and still have of space at the top.[8]
- If you don't have a glass measuring cup, you can also use a large, wide-mouth jar to create your snowflake.[9]
- Use caution when handling the container of boiling hot water! Use a potholder to grasp the container and move it carefully. Ask for help if you do not know how to do this safely.
- Stir in 12 tablespoons (36 g) of borax powder. Measure out the borax powder to add the correct amount to the water. Use a spoon to stir the borax into the water as you add it. Keep stirring until the powder is completely dissolved in the water.[10]
- You can find borax powder in the laundry detergent aisle, but make sure that the product you buy only contains borax. Do not purchase the borax powder that is already mixed with laundry detergent![11]
- Add 3 drops of food coloring, if desired. Without adding food coloring, the crystals will be clear and take on the color of your pipe cleaners. If you want the crystals to be tinted with color, add 4 drops of food coloring to the solution and stir it in.[12]
- Try adding 4 drops of blue food coloring for light blue snowflakes, or 2 drops of blue and 2 drops of red food coloring for purple snowflakes.
[Edit]Forming the Crystals - Tie a piece of fishing line around 1 pipe cleaner and the middle of a pen. Cut the fishing line so that it is about long. Then, tie the end of the fishing line around the center of 1 of the snowflake spokes. Tie the other end of the fishing line around the center of a pen.[13]
- A durable thread will also work in place of fishing line.
- A pencil also works fine. Just ensure that the pen or pencil is long enough to go all the way across your container and that it can rest on the edges without falling in.
- Dip the snowflake base into the solution. Make sure that the snowflake base is fully submerged in the borax solution. Position the pen on the top of the container to suspend the pipe cleaner base in the solution.[14]
- You may need to wrap the fishing line around the pen several times to make the fishing line taut and keep the snowflake upright in the solution.
- Wait 8 to 24 hours for crystals to form on the pipe cleaners. Place the container somewhere out of the reach of small children and pets. Then, do not disturb the container for the next 8 to 24 hours. The crystals will grow on the pipe cleaner base during this time, and the longer you wait, the more crystals there will be on the pipe cleaners.[15]
- Let the pipe cleaner base sit in the solution for at least 8 hours or overnight.[16]
- Remove the snowflake from the solution and transfer it to a plate to dry. When you are happy with the amount of crystals that have formed on the pipe cleaners, grasp the pen and lift it up to remove the pipe cleaner base from the solution. Place the snowflake onto a plate and allow it to dry fully before handling it. This will take about 1 hour.[17]
- If the bottom of the pipe cleaner base is stuck to the bottom of the container, use a fork to gently loosen it.
- Use the finished snowflake as an ornament or sun catcher. Once your snowflake is ready, you can display it and enjoy looking at the crystals. Use the fishing line to hang it in front of a window so it catches the sunlight, or add an ornament hook to the fishing line and hang it from your Christmas tree as a decoration.[18]
[Edit]Warnings - Borax crystal snowflakes are not edible! DO NOT try to eat them![19]
[Edit]Things You'll Need - 2 pipe cleaners in the color of your choice
- Strong scissors or wire cutters
- Ruler
- Fishing line or durable thread
- Pen or pencil
- Glass measuring cup or a large wide-mouthed jar
- Boiling hot water
- Borax powder
- Food coloring (optional)
- Glass plate
[Edit]References |
| How to Tell if You're a Super Taster Posted: 06 Jan 2020 08:00 AM PST If you're a foodie, you might be interested to know if you're a supertaster. Super tasters experience more intense flavors when they eat because they have an increased amount of taste receptors on their tongues. You can see how many taste receptors you have by using food dye and counting them. Or, if you're old enough to drink, swirling wine around your tongue will also increase their visibility. You might also take note of how you experience certain flavors (although that's not a sure-fire test). Only 25% of people in the world are supertasters, but you could be one of them! [Edit]Using Blue Food Dye - Place 3 to 4 drops of blue food coloring onto your tongue. Swirl the dye onto your tongue a little to make sure it coats the entire top of your tongue. The food dye will help the small bumps (papillae) stand out from the surface of your tongue.[1]
- You can also use green food dye—just avoid using red or pink, as it's too close to the color of your tongue.
- If you don't have any food dye (and if you're of legal drinking age), swirl red wine in your mouth. Red wine contains acids and sugars that stimulate the taste receptors on your tongue.[2]
- Put a hole-punch reinforcement sticker onto your tongue. Stick out your tongue and place the hole-punch sticker on the top of your tongue toward the front. Since your tongue is wet, it may not stick, but place it on the top and tilt your head so it stays in place.[3]
- If you don't have a hole-punch reinforcement sticker, cut a piece of lined paper into a small strip that includes 1 hole punch. Lay that on the front area of your tongue instead.
- Use a magnifying glass and a flashlight to see the papillae better. Lean into a mirror and shine a flashlight onto your tongue. Position the magnifying glass at an angle between your face and the mirror where you can see your tongue reflected in the mirror.[4]
- If you don't have a magnifying glass, you can also use a magnifying mirror.
- Count the number of bumps inside the circular sticker. Hold your tongue very still and count how many bumps you see inside the circular sticker. Regular tasters have about 15 to 30, but if you have more than 30, you're a supertaster![5]
- If you have a friend, family member, or roommate around, ask them to help you count the bumps or double-check your tally.
- If you're using a strip of paper and red wine, place it on your tongue toward the back (where you see larger lumps). If you have more than 8 lumps, you're a supertaster.[6]
[Edit]Tasting Foods and Drinks - Notice if you tend to avoid naturally bitter foods and drinks. Bitterness is detected at the back of the tongue, where large lumps of papillae are located. Supertasters have lots of these lumps, causing bitterness to be exacerbated. If you avoid these foods because they taste so bitter to the point of disgust, you could be a supertaster. Some of the naturally bitter foods supertasters avoid are:[7]
- Coffee
- Dark chocolate
- Non-sweetened alcoholic beverages (like gin and tonics)
- Beer (IPAs, bitter pale-ales)
- Eat green vegetables to see if they taste sour. Spinach, broccoli, brussels sprouts, kale, and collard greens can taste overly bitter and off-putting to supertasters. If you purposefully avoid these foods for that reason, you might be a supertaster.[8]
- Keep in mind that if you avoid these foods just because you don't like them, that doesn't make you a supertaster.
- Eat the greens raw or cooked with little to no oil and seasoning to let the natural flavor of each vegetable come through.
- Try spicy foods and note how you react. Since supertasters experience flavors more intensely than regular tasters, spicy peppers will be extremely spicy—even to the point of pain. That's because supertasters also have more pain receptors on the tongue (in addition to more papillae).[9]
- If you avoid jalapeno peppers, serrano peppers, tabasco peppers, cayenne, or hot sauce because you experienced pain, that could be a sign that you're a supertaster.
- If you like the burn of spicy foods, you might still be a supertaster—you've just conditioned yourself to like the sensation.
- Eat cilantro to see if it tastes soapy. For normal tasters, cilantro tastes fresh and citrusy. But if you're a supertaster, it might taste soapy or metallic. Eat fresh-picked cilantro leaves or dried cilantro to see how you respond.[10]
- Some supertasters think cilantro tastes bitter as well.
- Notice if you perceive foods to be over-seasoned on a regular basis. If you regularly find yourself judging food as too salty, too peppery, or too heavy on the spices, you might have more taste receptors on your tongue than the average eater. It may seem like you're just a picky eater, when really, you could be a supertaster![11]
- However, this isn't a sure-fire sign because it could be that you just like lightly-seasoned foods.
- Don't assume that supertasters are "better" or enjoy eating food more than the average taster.
- Sometimes, strong reactions to certain tastes might be a sign of sensory processing disorder, a condition that is more common in childhood but can last into adult years. It affects how you perceive sensory input.
[Edit]Warnings - Brush your teeth as soon as possible after doing the test with blue food dye. Food dyes will stain your teeth for about 2 hours without brushing.
[Edit]Things You'll Need [Edit]Using Blue Food Dye - Magnifying glass
- Flashlight
- Blue food dye
- Hole punch reinforcement stickers
- Mirror (or a friend to count for you)
- Lined notebook paper (optional)
- Red wine (optional)
[Edit]Tasting Foods and Drinks - Bitter foods and drinks: coffee, dark chocolate, non-sweetened alcoholic beverages, beer (IPA)
- Green vegetables: spinach, broccoli, brussels sprouts, kale, and collard greens
- Spicy foods: jalapeno peppers, serrano peppers, tabasco peppers, cayenne, or hot sauce
- Cilantro (fresh or dried)
[Edit]References |
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