| How to Forgive Someone Who Has Hurt You Posted: 02 Jan 2021 12:00 AM PST It can be very challenging to forgive someone who has hurt you. However, being able to truly forgive a person for hurting you can help you to feel better and maybe even mend your relationship. Forgiving someone for hurting you has been shown to relieve stress, so you'll be doing yourself a favor in the process.[1] Learning to forgive someone can be a long and intensive process, but may be a better option then holding a grudge. [Edit]Changing Your Perspective - Let go of your resentment. If you resent the person for the harm he or she has caused, then you'll never be able to move on, both in your own life and in continuing your relationship. Accept that what has been done is done, by saying things like, "I am angry because __ broke my trust and I accept that this has happened" and "I accept what has happened and how it made me feel".[2]
- Accept what the person has done to you and recognize that you have no control over it. However, you can control how you react to the situation.
- Recognize your own flaws and possible ways you have hurt people to help you accept the wrongdoing and release your resentment. Everyone makes mistakes, and recognizing your own mistakes will help you understand the mistakes the person who hurt you.[3]
- It won't happen overnight, but the sooner you aim to let go of your resentment, the sooner it will become a priority. Focus moving forward instead of stewing.
- Examine the bigger picture. As you move on your path toward forgiveness, take a step back and think about how serious the pain that has been caused really is. Is the act truly forgivable, or is it something you won't even think about in a month? Think, "will it matter in the morning?". Only you can decide.[4]
- Include your personal morals and beliefs in your analysis of the big picture. If you are strongly against cheating, and your partner has cheated on you, then your moral compass may not allow you to forgive them. However, if you personally believe you work through infidelity, then you can move towards forgiveness. [5]
- Think of all the good in your relationship. Do you enjoy spending time with the person because they are funny or you have intelligent conversations together? Do you make a good team raising your children? Are you sexually satisfied? Make a list of all the great things about your platonic or romantic relationship with the person who has hurt you. Assess whether the good outweighs the the thing(s) they did to hurt you.[6]
- Start by noting smaller positive attributes, such as, "they take the trash out" or "they send me helpful links at work", then move into bigger positive attributes such as personality or good deeds they do.[7]
- Talk to someone about the situation. If you're feeling really hurt and upset about what happened, talking to someone else about it can help you gain some valuable perspective. Instead of mulling it over on your own or isolating yourself, talk to another person to help you gain some insight and to feel like you're less alone. You might also get some valuable advice that can help you have a better understanding of the situation, and a stronger sense of how to proceed.
- You might not want to talk with too many people and risk getting an overwhelming amount of opinions. Select a few trusted friends or family members whose opinions you highly value.
- Let time pass. Another important aspect of forgiving someone is being able to take some time to just be alone with your thoughts. If someone has really wronged you, whether your boyfriend has cheated on you or your best friend has been saying hurtful things behind your back, it's important to take some time to get space and spend some time on your own. Additionally, overtime, you might gain perspective on the situation. For example, in the moment, certain words said by your partner or friend may have seemed especially hurtful. Yet, over time and thinking them over, you might understand why they said the hurtful thing.[8]
- If you live with that person who has hurt you, you may need to find another place to stay for a while, if possible. If you don't live together, then make it clear that you need some time away from each other and that you'll reach out when you're ready.
[Edit]Talking to the Person - Think before you speak. Prepare how you want to start the conversation and what you want to say before you initiate the conversation.[9] Though you may be feeling bitter, anger, hurt, or confused, you should find a way to delicately state these emotions instead of exploding or saying something you don't really mean. Take deep breaths before and after each comment, and try to be as reasonable as possible.[10]
- Before you open your mouth to say anything, ask yourself how it will sound or come across to the other person. Your words could be hurtful towards them, and then you are in the position of forgiving and having to be forgiven.
- Try writing down exactly what you want to say, and even practice in front of a mirror, to get it exactly how you want.
- Express your feelings. As part of your conversation, tell the other person how his or her actions made you feel. Be as honest as possible, expressing the pain you have been going through.[11] Be open about your feelings to show that the person has really hurt you and that you have had a hard time dealing with it. Make eye contact and speak slowly, showing that you really mean what you say.
- Use "I statements" such as "I felt hurt when you cheated on me because I've been loyal and devoted, and I thought you felt the same way." Or, "I felt upset when you were gossiping about me because I don't think I have done anything to deserve it."
- Use the general formula of, "I felt__ when __ because __". Focus on expressing your feelings instead of the negative things they did.
- Listen to their side of the story. There are always two sides to a coin. Hear the other person out and listen to what they have to say.[12] Let the person talk without interrupting them, and try to see the situation from his or her side of the story.[13]
- To be a good listener, make eye contact, put away distractions such as your phone, and be open minded. Also, try to provide appropriate feedback by asking clarifying question or paraphrasing what they said.
- For example, after they say something, clarify and paraphrase the statement by saying, "so what you said was…"
- Do not be combative or defensive. Take deep breaths or step away from the situation if you get angry from something they say.
- Show compassion.[14] Compassion may be the last thing you want to show when you feel like you've been truly hurt. However, if you put yourself in the other person's shoes and think about how he or she may be feeling, then you may find it in your heart not to be so angry or upset with the other person. Ask question and set aside your prejudices. Really listen and open up to the person.[15][16]
- Empathy and forgiveness are tightly linked and it will be nearly impossible to forgive someone without feeling empathy for them. [17]
[Edit]Moving Forward - Take some time apart if you need it. Assess whether or not you need some physical time away from the person who hurt you. If you do, then there's no shame in saying you need a few weeks, a few months, or just that you want to be apart until you're ready for more time together. Make this clear to the person so he or she doesn't keep trying to return back to your normal relationship when you don't feel ready.[18]
- Be honest. Say something like, "I'm just not quite ready to start hanging out again. I hope you can respect that."
- Take small steps to mend your relationship. Once you're ready to move forward with the person, slowly ease back into the relationship. Things might not go back to normal right away. Hang out only once or twice a week instead of every day or hang out in groups before you do some of the more intimate, personal things you used to do together.
- If it's a romantic relationship, treat it like going on a first date. You don't have to hug, cuddle, or hold hands like you did before if you're just not ready.
- In addition to taking small steps in getting your relationship back on track, learning to fully forgive will take small steps and practice. So mending your relationship slowly will help you become better at forgiveness.[19]
- Let go of the past. Avoid dwelling on the past as you move forward with your relationship. Continuing to think about the past will limit your trust of the person, leading to a stifled relationship. You do not necessarily need to "forgive and forget"; instead forgive and learn from the experience. If your partner cheated on you and you have chosen to forgive them, understand that you can now recognize the signs of possible cheating, or you can think about what may have caused the infidelity in the first place and not let that happen again. Let each event be a learning opportunity to make your relationship stronger.[20]
- When you catch yourself dwelling on the past, focus on the present moment instead. Be mindful by taking a deep breath and focusing on exactly what is in front of you; the smell in the room, the conversation with your friend, etc…[21]
- Decide whether you can truly forgive and move on. Get real with yourself. Admit to yourself if you can't really forgive the person. Unfortunately, there may be a situation where you think you are ready to forgive someone and then realize that you're just not able to do it once you start spending time together again. If you hang out with the person and find yourself thinking about how much he or she hurt you again and again, then you may have to end the relationship.[22]
- Continuing with a platonic or romantic relationship after you have realized you are unable to forgive them is bad for both of you. You might become bitter or resent them which is unhealthy. Once you have realized that forgiveness might not be in the cards, cut the relationship off as soon as possible.
- Forgive and love yourself.[23] A crucial part of forgiveness and moving forward after you forgive is to love and forgive yourself. You are probably much harder on yourself then you are with others. You may feel unlovable or like you have been too hard on the person who hurt you.[24]
- Realize that you have done the best you could at the time and accept the events that occurred. Try to cut yourself some slack and learn to self-love by thinking kind thoughts about yourself and read self-help books.[25]
- If you have nobody to talk to and don't want or can't afford a therapist try writing or drawing your feelings out.
- Find a way to express your feelings-drawing, writing, exercise, etc.
- Kindness can be used to your advantage. Most of the time, the other party will truly recognize what damage they have caused you as they attempt to grasp the idea of someone forgiving them after what they have done.
[Edit]Warnings - Do not feel pressured to forgive someone. Forgiveness is a choice that is yours alone. Someone who pressures you to forgive them might not be worthy of your forgiveness. They should respect your decisions.
[Edit]Related wikiHows [Edit]References [Edit]Quick Summary |
| How to Clean Yellow Piano Keys Posted: 01 Jan 2021 04:00 PM PST The piano is a beautiful instrument, but it can become a bit of eyesore when the keys start looking yellow. Before giving your instrument some much-needed TLC, take a closer look at what type of keys you have. Typically, ivory keys are off-white, porous and made with 2 connected pieces. Plastic keys are a lot smoother, and have a clear varnish on top.[1] Once you've figured out what kind of keys you have, choose from a variety of different household substances to get your keys looking white and polished. [Edit]Ivory Keys - Apply white toothpaste to the surface of your ivory keys. Squeeze a pea-sized amount of plain white toothpaste on a soft cloth. Rub the toothpaste gently into the ivory surface, focusing on 1 key at a time.[2]
- Only use white toothpaste for this—gel toothpaste can hurt your ivory keys in the long run.[3]
- Try not to leave the toothpaste on the ivory piano keys for more than 30 seconds.
- Wipe away the toothpaste with a cloth dampened with milk. Grab another clean cloth and dampen it with a few drops of whole milk. Wipe down the key with milk to clean off the instrument and really polish the surface. Once each key is clean, dry it off with another soft, lint-free cloth.[4]
- Some sources recommend cleaning ivory with lemon juice. However, lemon juice can eventually break down the ivory, which isn't ideal. Milk, on the other hand, helps protect the ivory with calcium and other fatty acids.
- Rub the keys with a white vinyl eraser for a simpler solution. Move the eraser down each key, dragging it in slow, careful motions. Don't move too quickly—otherwise, tiny eraser chunks might fall into the cracks of your piano keys.[5]
- Polish away the yellow stains with a fine steel wool pad. Look for steel wool marked as #0000, or labeled as "very fine." Rub the wool gently over the ivory to buff away any unwanted yellow stains on the keys.[6] Scrub down 1 key at a time, moving the wool pad in smooth, vertical motions.[7]
- Only do this once in a while. Although this can clear away pesky stains, it may also wear down the ivory.
- Wipe down each key with a mayonnaise-yogurt mixture. Mix a spoonful of plain yogurt and mayonnaise together in a bowl. It may seem strange, but dip a clean cloth into the mixture and rub down each key individually. Then, dry off your clean ivory keys with a new cloth.[8]
- The bacteria in the mayonnaise and yogurt actually help whiten the keys.
- Clear away stubborn stains with rubbing alcohol. Pour a couple drops of rubbing alcohol onto a soft cloth. Wipe down each individual key, which will help freshen up your instrument. Then, take a clean cloth and wipe away any leftover alcohol.[9]
- You only need a few drops for this—if you use too much alcohol, it'll drip down the cracks of the instrument.
- Place your keys in direct sunlight to whiten the keys. Over time, sunlight can actually whiten ivory. If possible, see if you can move your piano into a sunnier part of your home, so your keys can lighten naturally over time.[10]
- This remedy only works with ivory keys. If you have plastic keys, the sun will end up yellowing them.
- Whiten your ivory keys with diluted vinegar. Mix four spoonfuls of tap water with a spoonful of white vinegar. Dip a piece of flannel or cheesecloth into the water and wipe down each individual key to get rid of any yellow staining.[11]
- Don't use pure vinegar for this—acid can wear down the ivory over time.
- You can also wipe down your keys with an old T-shirt.
[Edit]Plastic Keys - Go over each key with a few drops of dish soap. Pour a couple drops of dish soap onto a clean, slightly damp cloth and wipe down each individual key.[12] Pick out a soft white cloth to get the job done; unfortunately, colored washcloths may transfer their dye to the piano keys.[13] To be safe, wipe off each individual key with a dry cloth once you're done cleaning them.
- The washcloth should be damp, but not dripping wet. If it's too wet, then water may drip in between the keys.
- Wipe down electric piano keys with a melamine foam sponge. Move a slightly damp sponge up and down each individual key, which may help whiten the instrument. Don't use a wet rag or washcloth to clean your electric piano, or you may damage your instrument.[14]
- Electric or digital pianos are created with a lot of electrical components, so water isn't a great cleaning option.
- Get rid of stubborn stains with a diluted vinegar mixture. Mix 4 spoonfuls of warm water with 1 spoonful of white vinegar together as your cleaning mixture. Dip a clean cloth into this mixture so it's slightly damp, then clean off each individual key. Dry off the clean piano keys completely once you're done.[15]
- Soft cloths, like cheesecloth or flannel, are good options for this.[16]
- Yellow ivory keys may not look great, but they can add a lot of character to your instrument. If you're thinking about reselling your piano, it might be worth it to leave your keys a little yellow.[17]
- Opt for lint-free cloths instead of paper towels. Unfortunately, paper towels can leave leftover lint on your keys, which isn't ideal.[18]
- To keep your piano keys grime-free, clean them occasionally with a wet wipe. Just be sure not to squeeze the liquid into the keys.
[Edit]Warnings - Some piano experts recommend using an ivory scraper to get rid of really stubborn yellow stains from the key tops. However, ivory scrapers can damage your ivory key tops if you use them incorrectly. Before investing in this kind of tool, ask a piano technician for advice.[19]
- Use a different cleaning cloth for your black and white piano keys. This can prevent any black paint from permanently smudging onto your white keys.[20]
- Avoid using harsh chemicals or sprays to clean and sanitize your instrument. This will hurt your instrument instead of sanitizing or cleaning it.[21]
[Edit]Things You'll Need [Edit]Ivory Keys - White toothpaste
- Milk
- White vinyl eraser
- Soft cleaning cloth
- Fine steel wool pad
- Mayonnaise
- Yogurt
- Rubbing alcohol
- Vinegar
- Water
- Flannel or cheesecloth
[Edit]Plastic Keys - Dish soap
- Melamine foam sponge
- White vinegar
- Water
[Edit]References |
| How to Deal with a Jealous Child Posted: 01 Jan 2021 08:00 AM PST When it comes to your children, the "green-eyed monster" often rears its ugly head when you least expect it. Sadly, there's no magic phrase or wise quote that will instantly soothe your child's spirits. Never fear! There are plenty of easy ways you can communicate and empathize with your young one, so they don't feel isolated as they work through these tough feelings. [Edit]New Sibling - Reassure them that they're loved. Ultimately, jealousy comes from a place of insecurity and fear. Your job is to remind your little one that you will always love and care for them, even if your family is growing. Remind on many occasions that they're loved, and that they're also a very important part of the family.[1]
- You can say something like, "We will always love you so very much, no matter how much our family grows."
- Remind them that they won't always be the center of attention. Take your child aside and let them know that, sometimes, their sibling will receive a little more attention from other family members. This doesn't mean that your child isn't loved or cared for. To make this conversation a little easier, remind your child of times when they had a lot of attention.[2]
- For example, you can remind your child of the time some family members stopped by their soccer game, or their piano recital.
- Focus on the baby if your child acts aggressive. Jealousy can be very physical, especially with younger kids. You might notice your young one throwing their toys, or pinching or hitting their siblings. Don't yell at your jealous child or give them any kind of attention—that's why they're misbehaving in the first place. Instead, focus on the baby, and make sure they're safe and okay.[3]
- This will show your jealous child that acting mean or hurtful won't get them any attention.
- If your older child is jealous and they're acting out in a way that's disrespectful, just ignore it if they're preschool age or younger. If they're a little older, don't react, but do include a consequence for the behavior.[4]
- Give your child something to do so they don't feel left out. Find easy ways that your little one can help out with their new sibling. Choose any kind of task, no matter how simple—they might hand you the baby bottle, or grab you a clean diaper. This will help them feel important, and may reduce some of their jealous feelings.[5]
- For instance, if the baby is getting upset during a car ride, you can ask your child to sing them a soothing song.
- Maintain your child's usual routine. A new baby will definitely throw a wrench in your usual schedule, but try to keep your child's routine as normal as possible. Your little one is more likely to feel jealous and upset when they feel a big shift in their own schedule.[6]
- For instance, continue reading your child a story before tucking them in, or make them the same food for breakfast each morning.
- Ask for extra help so you can spend more time with your other child. There's nothing wrong with asking a trusted friend or relative to look after your new baby for a little while. Use this extra time to bond with your child, so they don't feel left out or forgotten.[7]
- Don't compare your children. Avoid making blanket statements, like "Why can't you be quiet like your sister" or "I wish you could behave like your brother." These types of statement will only make your child feel more jealous and unhappy, and won't actually achieve anything productive.[8]
- Instead, you might say something like, "I know you have a lot of energy, but would you mind playing with your toys downstairs while I finish changing your brother's diaper?"
[Edit]Preschool and School-Aged Children - Remind your children that they can't be the center of attention constantly. Really young kids might try to battle for your attention when you're in the middle of something else. Calmly remind your little one that you can't play with them at this moment, and encourage them to do something else, like draw a picture or play with their favorite toy.[9]
- Say something like, "I'm going to talk to Mr. Brown for a few more minutes. Can you play with your toys until I'm done?"
- You might also say, "I'm going to help Caitlin with her homework right now. Do you want to watch TV until I'm done?"
- Validate their jealous emotions. Tell your child that you understand their feelings, and that you understand why they feel jealous. Your child might tone down their complaints and behavior if they feel like you really hear and understand their struggles.[10]
- For example, you can say something like, "You're sad that Robin got a special solo and you didn't."
- You might also say, "I know that it's hard for you to wait while I give little Jimmy a bath."
- Thank your child for being honest about their feelings. Remind your child that honesty is important, and that it's great for them to be upfront about their feelings. Thank and praise them whenever they share how they're feeling. This will encourage them to be honest in the future, and will help you nip any negative feelings in the bud.[11]
- For example, you can say, "Thank you so much for letting me know how you're feeling" or "I really appreciate you being honest with me."
- Label the jealousy with a silly nickname. Pick a really goofy name, so your kids remember that their jealousy is just a feeling, and not part of their identity. This will help your young ones view their jealousy as a separate "person," which will make the feeling easier to dismiss and ignore.[12]
- You might say something like, "It looks like Jake the Jealousy is knocking at the door. You don't have to let him in the house!"
- Praise your child's strengths. Many times, kids tend to compare themselves to their siblings, friends, and acquaintances, which leads to a lot of bitterness and jealousy. Remind your young one that they have plenty of wonderful traits and qualities that make them special, and that they don't need to compare themselves to anyone else.[13]
- You can say something like, "You're so good at art" or "You're a star basketball player!" This can help your child focus on their own strengths and gifts.
- You might also say something like, "You're such a kind, sweet, and genuine person."
- Teach your children to share their feelings honestly with others. It's perfectly normal if your child is feeling jealous of another classmate or friend. Encourage them to share these feelings in a polite way, so the jealousy doesn't fester or get worse. Guide them through a few possible conversations they can have, so they'll be prepared in the actual situation.[14]
- They can say something like, "You're a really good friend. This is a little embarrassing to admit, but I feel a little jealous at how much better you are at math than I am. I don't want these feelings to hurt our friendship, so I wanted to let you know."
- They might also say, "You mean a lot to me, and I want to be honest about how I've been feeling. You always wear such cool outfits, and it makes me feel a little jealous."
- Encourage your kids to praise and compliment others. Jealousy often stems from personal insecurity, like someone being really talented at sports or coming to school in a cool outfit. Teach your kids to fight these negative feelings, and replace them with something positive instead. Whenever your child is feeling jealous, encourage them to share a compliment instead.[15]
- For example, your child can say something like, "You did a really amazing job on that science project" or "I'm really impressed at how fast you ran in gym class."
- They might also say, "Your outfit looks really amazing" or "I love the way you did your hair."
- Empathy can help your child be less jealous. Try modeling helpful, generous actions—then, encourage your children to do the same.[16]
[Edit]Teenagers - Encourage older kids to unplug from social media. Social media users tend to post their best and brightest moments online, which can make others feel inadequate. Plus, all those photo filters can lead to unrealistic and unhealthy expectations when it comes to appearance. Remind your teen that appearances can be deceiving, and they shouldn't compare themselves to other people online. If needed, set some social media limits for your kids, or encourage them to log out or take breaks.[17]
- For instance, you might set a 1- or 2-hour limit for scrolling through social media, so your kid can unplug for a little while.
- Support their interests and hobbies. Give your child a lot of confidence and self-esteem in their own abilities and talents. Compliment them whenever they're working towards their goals, and help them sign up for special classes. If your child feels supported, they might not feel as jealous of their peers.[18]
- For instance, you might sign your teen up for ballet class, or pay for them to have voice lessons.
- Set a good example for your kids at home. You might be experiencing some jealousy in your own life, which is perfectly normal and okay. Instead of unloading those negative feelings on your kids, demonstrate some healthy, respectful ways to deal with jealousy. Show your children that it's normal and okay to feel jealous, but that those feelings don't have to define or control your life.[19]
- For instance, you might say, "I feel like the new employee they hired is a lot better with computers than I am. Still, I know that we both offer valuable skills to the workplace."
- You could say "Our neighbor always goes all-out with the Christmas decorations" instead of saying "Our home never looks as good as our neighbor's."
- Remind them that rejection is normal and okay. If your teen gets out of a tough relationship, they might be feeling bitter and jealous, especially if their ex starts seeing another person. Let them know that rejection is just a part of life, and not every relationship will work out. They're still young, and have plenty of time to scope out and plan their future![20]
- You might say, "I know it's hard to watch Dave walking around with his new girlfriend. These feelings are only temporary."
- You could also say, "It's really hard to see Jessica start a new relationship, but there are plenty of bigger and better things on the horizon for you."
- Avoid teasing your kids about their feelings. Don't try to dismiss or laugh away your teen's struggles—while humor is an understandable default when conversations get tough, it won't help if your child is trying to cope with their jealous feelings. Instead of poking fun at their emotions, lend a supportive and understanding ear to whatever they're dealing with.[21]
- Instead of making a joke, such as "Looks like someone's jealous," you can say something like, "I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Would you like to talk about it?"
- A jealous child can be really overwhelming to deal with, especially if they're jealous of a new sibling. Remember—these thoughts and behaviors are just a phase, and will go away eventually.[22]
- Let your kids know that you also feel jealous sometimes. Tell them a story of how you felt and how you dealt with those feelings—this might help your child feel a little more understood.[23]
- Remind your kids that jealous feelings on their own are perfectly normal. Jealousy only becomes a problem when we choose to act on those negative thoughts and feelings.[24]
[Edit]References |
Nenhum comentário:
Postar um comentário