| How to Make a Santa Hat Posted: 21 Dec 2018 12:00 AM PST Making your own Santa hat is easy and it'll be a lot nicer in quality than the ones sold by the dollar store. The most traditional hat is made out of velvet or faux fur, but you can make simpler ones out of paper. You can even make a mini Santa hat headband! EditSewing a Fabric Hat - Divide your head circumference by 2. Take a measuring tape, and wrap it around your head where you want the hat to sit. Take the measuring tape off, note your measurement, then divide it by 2.[1]
- For example, if your head circumference is , then your new measurement is .
- If you don't have a measuring tape, wrap a piece of string around your head, then hold it against a ruler.
- Draw a triangle on a sheet of paper based on your new measurement. The base of the triangle should be half of your head circumference. The height of the triangle should be whatever height you want the hat to be.[2]
- Drape a measuring tape across the top of your head. Decide where you want the tip of the hat to hang, then use that measurement for the height.
- For an adult hat, make it about tall. For a child's hat, make it about tall.[3]
- Draw a curve along the bottom edge of the triangle. Tie a pencil to a piece of string. Hold the end of the string at the tip of the triangle, then place the pencil at the bottom left corner of the triangle. Holding the string taut, swing the pencil towards the bottom right corner of the triangle, creating an arch.[4]
- You can also use a pen or marker instead of a pencil. If you have a compass, you can use that too.
- The curve needs to start at 1 corner and finish at the other. You want to end up with a triangle with a curved bottom.
- You can draw the curve by hand instead. It won't be as neat or precise, but it will do.
- Cut your pattern out, then trace it onto a piece of folded fabric. Fold a sheet of red fabric in half with the wrong side facing out. Place the pattern on top of the fabric, with 1 of the triangle's diagonal edges along the fold. Trace the triangle with a tailor's chalk or pen.[5]
- Great fabrics to use include: faux fur, velvet, fleece, flannel, and felt.
- Make sure that you are cutting along the curved line so that the triangle has a curved bottom edge and not a straight edge.
- Cut the pattern out adding a seam allowance. Because 1 of the diagonal edges is already along the fold, you only need to add seam allowances to the bottom curved edge and the other diagonal edge. This is important. If you don't add seam allowances, the hat will turn out too small.[6]
- Sew the edge using a straight stitch and a seam allowance. Start at the bottom of the triangle and finish at the top. Match the thread color to the fabric as closely as possible. If you need to, use sewing pins to hold the triangle together, but remember to take them out when you are done.
- It will be faster to do this on a sewing machine, but you can do it by hand. If you are using a sewing machine, backstitch when you start and finish sewing so that the stitches don't come undone.
- If you don't know how to sew, glue the seam together using hot glue or fabric glue.[7]
- Cut a strip of white faux fur for the trim. Cut a strip of white fuzzy fabric longer than your head circumference. You need to make the strip twice as wide as you want the trim to be, plus for the seam allowance. For example, if you want it to be wide, cut it wide.[8]
- White fur is the most popular, but you can use white felt or fleece as well.
- If you aren't sewing the hat, make the strip the same width that you want the trim to be. For example, if you want it to be wide, then cut it wide.
- Sew the ends of the fur with a straight stitch and a seam. Fold the fur trim in half with the wrong sides facing out. Make sure that the narrow edges match up, then sew across them using a straight stitch and a seam allowance. Use white thread for this.
- Again, you can do this by hand or on a sewing machine. If you are using a sewing machine, remember to back stitch.
- Because of how short the ends of the fur trim are, you shouldn't have to use sewing pins. If you need to use them, however, remember to pull them out when you are done.
- Slide the trim over the bottom of the hat and sew it in place. Turn the hat right-side-out, but keep the fur turned inside-out. Slide the trim over the bottom of the hat, then sew along the bottom edge using a seam allowance. Use white or red thread and a straight stitch.[9]
- If you don't know how to sew, turn the trim right-side-out and slide it over the bottom edge of the trim. Glue it down with hot glue or fabric glue.[10]
- Make sure that the side seam on the fur trim matches up with the side seam on the hat.
- Fold the fur trim down, then fold and sew the raw edge into the hat. Keep the hat turned right-side-out. Pull the fur trim down to reveal the right side. Fold the trim in half by tucking the bottom raw edge into the hat. Sew the bottom raw edge to the inside seam. You can also glue it to the inside of the hat instead.[11]
- Skip this step if you glued the fur trim down.
- You can sew the fur by hand or on a sewing machine with a straight stitch. If you are using a sewing machine, remember to backstitch.
- Sew or glue a pompom to the tip. Buy a large pompom from the kids crafting section of a craft store. Secure it to the tip of your hat with hot glue or fabric glue; you can also sew it to the tip of the hat by hand.[12]
- If you can't find any pompoms, you can use a white cotton ball instead.
- Make a fur pompom for a fancier hat. Use a glass to trace a circle on a piece of white fur, then cut the circle out. Hand sew a straight or running stitch around the edges of the circle. Pull on the thread to gather the edges of the fabric and form a ball. Knot the thread, then sew or glue the ball to the hat.[13]
- You should either sew/glue a pompom or make a fur ball. Don't do both.
EditMaking a Paper Hat - Draw an wide semicircle on a sheet of red paper. Place a ruler along the bottom edge of your paper. Tie a pencil to a piece of string, then hold the end of the string against the paper at the mark. Hold the string taut and use the pencil to draw an arc from the mark to the mark.[14]
- You can make a smaller hat by making it wide instead.
- Cut the semicircle out with scissors. If you see any pencil marks, use an eraser to get rid of them. If you want to make a fancier felt hat, use the semicircle you just cut out to trace and cut another semicircle out of red felt.[15]
- Overlap the straight edges of the semicircle to make a cone. How much you overlap the straight edges depends on how big you need the hat to be. The more you overlap, the smaller the hat will turn out.[16]
- Test the hat against your head to see if it is the right size. Tighten or loosen the hat as needed.
- Staple or glue the hat shut. Once you are happy with the fit, take the hat off. Use a stapler to staple the seam of the hat down. You will need 1 staple near the top of the hat and 1 staple near the bottom. For a nicer finish, you can use glue or even a strip of double-sided tape.[17]
- You can use tacky glue, white school glue, or a glue stick, but you will need to pin the hat together while the glue dries. This can take anywhere from 15 to 20 minutes to a few hours.
- Glue cotton balls around the bottom edge of the hat. Tacky glue or white school glue will work just fine for this, but you can use a hot glue gun too. Glue the cotton balls close together so that you don't see any gaps.[18]
- Don't use white pompoms; they won't give you the right look.
- If you can't find cotton balls, cut a strip out of white felt, and use that instead.
- Glue a white cotton ball or a white pompom to the top of the hat. Place a large drop of hot glue, tacky glue, or white school glue on top of your hat. Next, press a white pompom or a cotton ball into the glue. Wait for the glue to dry before wearing the hat.[19]
- Hot glue will set within minutes. Tacky glue or white school glue will take a few hours.
EditCreating a Mini Headband Hat - Draw a semicircle on a sheet of red felt and cut it out. The semicircle needs to be twice as wide as you want your final hat to be. Something around would be ideal; this will give you a cute hat that's about tall.[20]
- Alternatively, use a bowl or plate to trace a full circle. Cut the circle out, then cut the circle in half.
- Use red sparkly felt for a fancier touch!
- Overlap the straight edges of the semicircle to make a cone. How much you overlap the edges by does not really matter as long as it is a cone shape. This hat will be too small to fit over your head like a normal hat anyway; you will be placing it on top of a headband instead![21]
- If you are using glittery felt, make sure that the glittery side is facing out.
- Hot glue the seams down. Once you are happy with the shape of your cone, pull the edge away and draw a line of hot glue down it. Quickly press the edge back against the cone, and hold it there until the glue sets. This should only take a few minutes.[22]
- You can also use tacky glue or fabric glue, but you'll have to pin the felt until the glue sets. Fabric glue will take about 15 to 20 minutes while tacky glue will take several hours.
- Trace the base of the cone onto red felt, then cut the circle out. Place your cone on top of a sheet of matching red felt. Trace around the base of the cone using a marker, then cut the circle out. You will use this for the bottom of the cone so that you can adhere it to the headband.[23]
- Cut just inside the lines that you drew, otherwise the circle will end up too big.
- Cut 2 slits into the red felt circle for the headband. Measure the width of your headband first. Next, cut a vertical slit into the left side of your felt circle, about from the edge. Cut another matching slit on the right side of the circle, also from the edge.[24]
- Adding slits to the circle will allow you to slide it around on the headband and change its position. It is better than just gluing it on.
- Glue the circle to the bottom of the cone. You can do this with hot glue, tacky glue, or fabric glue. Place the glue around the edges of the felt circle, then press them against the inside edges of the cone. You will have a slide seam along the inside edge, which is fine.[25]
- If you are using hot glue, work at a time, or the glue will set too fast.
- If you are using fabric glue or tacky glue, pin the felt while it dries.
- If some of the circle sticks out from under the edge of the cone, trim it off.
- Cut a strip of white faux fur for the brim of your hat. Wrap a measuring tape around the base of your cone to get the circumference, then cut a strip of white fur according to that measurement. Make the fur strip about wide.[26]
- You can find white fur in the kids' crafting section of a craft store. If the fur is too long, cut it shorter with scissors.
- If you can't find white fur, you can use white felt instead.
- Glue the white fur strip to the bottom edge of your cone. You can do this with hot glue, fabric glue, or tacky glue. If you are using hot glue, squeeze the glue out at a time before pressing the fur into it. If you squeeze too much glue out at once, it will set before you finish adding the fur.[27]
- Again, if you use tacky glue or fabric glue, you will need to pin the fur until it sets.
- Glue a pompom to the top of the hat. Buy a pack of small white pompoms from the kids' crafting section of a craft store. Glue the pompom to the tip of the hat, then let the glue set. Hot glue will work the best for this, but you can use fabric glue too.[28]
- Tacky glue is not recommended because it takes too long to dry and the pompom may slide around as it dries. You won't have this issue with fabric glue because it is so thick and dries fast.
- If you can't find pompoms, try a cotton ball instead.
- Slide the hat onto a headband through the slits. Push the end of the headband into the left slit, then keep pushing it until it comes out of the right slit. Slide the hat around on the headband into your desired position. You can make it sit right on top of the headband or at a slight angle.[29]
- Finished!
- Your Santa hat does not have to be red and white.
- Turn it into an elf hat by using green felt or fleece instead of red, and red felt or fleece instead of faux fur.
EditThings You'll Need EditSewing a Fabric Hat - Red fabric (felt, fleece, fur, etc.)
- White faux fur
- Fabric scissors
- Measuring tape
- White pompom (optional)
- Needle
- White thread
- Red thread
- Sewing machine
- Sewing pins
- Pencil
- String
- Scrap paper
- Tailor's chalk or pen
EditMaking a Paper Hat - Red paper
- White cotton balls
- Hot glue or tacky glue
- Pencil
- String
EditCreating a Mini Headband Hat - Red felt
- White faux fur
- White pompoms
- Hot glue
- Headband
- Scissors
- Marker
EditRelated wikiHows EditSources and Citations
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| How to Train Chickens to Return to Their Coop Posted: 20 Dec 2018 04:00 PM PST Training your chickens to return to their coop is a great way to protect your chickens from predators. Chickens that have established the coop as their home will return to it naturally each evening. You can also train your chickens to return to the coop when you call them in case you spot a daytime predator or need to clean their area of the yard. Chickens do not learn as quickly or as easily as dogs do, but with a little patience you will find that training chickens to return to their coop is fairly easy to do. EditCoop Training Your Chickens - Prepare your chicken coop. Before you can train your chickens to return to the coop in the evening, you need to ensure the coop is set up properly for your chickens. A basic chicken coop should provide at least twenty-four square feet of space and multiple places for chickens to perch.[1]
- Make sure there is a plentiful supply of food and water inside the chicken coop.
- Wood beams mounted horizontally can provide good perching space for chickens.
- If you are raising chickens for egg production, make sure there are enough chicken nesting boxes for each hen (usually one box per four hens will suffice).
- Check the temperature inside the coop. Coop training requires that you keep your chickens inside the coop for a prolonged period of time. It's important that you make sure your chickens won't be too hot or they could suffer from health issues.[2]
- Your chicken coop should not exceed 70 degrees Fahrenheit during coop training.
- Install fans to reduce the temperature of your coop if it is too hot.
- You may want to consider relocating your chicken coop to a shadier area of your yard if high temperatures continue to be an issue.
- Keep your chickens confined to the coop for a week. Chickens are often stressed by a transition from one coop or yard to another. Young chickens that are transitioning into living in a coop may take even longer to adjust. Forcing the chickens to remain inside the coop for a week will force them to roost in the coop and begin to consider it a home.[3]
- Make sure your coop allows you to easily replace food and water dishes without allowing the chickens to escape the coop. Most coops have small doors designed specifically for this purpose.
- The bedding at the bottom of the coop will be very messy after a week, so make sure to remove soiled bedding at the completion of the week.
- Allow the chickens to leave the coop after a week. After a week, open the door to the coop and allow the chickens to wander out into your yard or the area you have fenced in for them. Try not to interfere with them and instead allow them to wander freely.[4]
- If the chickens do not return to the coop at dusk, it means they have not properly adjusted to it.
- You may have to confine the chickens to the coop for another week in order to ensure they accept it as their home and a safe area.
- Once the chickens have adjusted to the coop as their new home, they will return to it naturally when they sense danger, want to rest, or at sundown each day.
EditTraining Your Chickens to Come When You Call - Choose one consistent sound as your call. Chickens are not as skilled at interpreting human sounds as dogs are, so it's important that you choose one distinct sound as your chicken call. Using a consistent sound of any sort may work, but by using a tool instead of your voice, others can call the chickens for you if you aren't present to call them.[5]
- A whistle or bell are both excellent options to use as a chicken call. You could also try banging a bowl or cup on the side of the coop.
- If you choose to use your voice, make sure it is a distinct sound that you do not make regularly when not calling your chickens.
- Use treats to train your chickens. You will need to train your chickens to associate the sound of your chicken call with getting a treat in order to get them to come whenever you call. Choose a treat that your chickens do not normally eat otherwise they may grow tired of the treat.[6]
- Bird seed mixed with meal worms serves as an excellent treat that you can spread around inside the coop each time you sound the chicken call.
- Watermelon wedges also serve as good chicken treats, but because they are hard to scatter the less dominant chickens may not be able to get to the treats.
- Let the chickens see you with the treats. As you train your chickens to respond to your chicken call, make sure they can see the bag or box of treats as you approach and make the sound. Your chickens do not necessarily need to see the treats for the training to work, but it will often go faster if they see the treats during the early stages of training.[7]
- Let the chickens see you approach their coop with the treats as you prepare to sound your chicken call.
- Chickens will come to associate your behavior with getting treats as well as the call itself.
- Use your chicken call and toss treats into the coop. By scattering treats into the coop while you use your chicken call, you will help the chickens begin to associate the sound with both treats and returning to their coop.[8]
- Repeat this process two to three times per day for about a week to establish the pattern in the chicken's minds.
- If your chickens aren't interested in the treats you are using, try switching to bits of corn.
- Be patient. Your chickens may not understand the process quickly. You may need to sound the chicken call and make sure they see you distributing the feed a number of times before they start to understand. Early on, the noise will not attract chickens, only the smell and sight of the treats will.[9]
- Once one chicken figures out the process, it will begin to respond more quickly. Other chickens will follow suit soon after to ensure they get a share of the treats.
- Chickens are less likely to respond to this training if they have eaten recently or have only left the coop a short time ago.
- Start concealing the treats when you call your chickens. Once your chickens are starting to respond well to the chicken call, start approaching the coop without keeping the treats visible. Once you sound the call, remove the treats from where you've hidden them and distribute them like normal.[10]
- Hiding the treats will help ensure the chickens respond to the call and not the visual que of the treats.
- If your chickens become accustomed to coming without seeing treats, that is one step closer to simply coming when they're called.
- Continue to repeat this process until the chickens return to the coop reliably each time they are called.
EditRetraining Your Chickens After a Scare - Identify the source of the stressor in the coop. Sometimes chickens that have been coop trained will vacate their coop and refuse to re-enter it. This is often caused by a predator entering the coop or the conditions in the coop being unhealthy for the chickens.[11]
- Look for any areas that a predator could have gained access to the coop and secure it.
- Ensure the coop is relatively clean and the food and water are easy to access. Also check the temperature to make sure it is not exceeding 70 degrees Fahrenheit.
- The stressor that caused the chickens to leave must be identified and resolved prior to retraining your chickens to return to the coop.
- Catch your chickens. Once you have made sure the coop is safe for your chickens, you will need to catch or corral them all back into the coop. If your chickens are able to walk around a large yard, it may be difficult to catch them all.
- Try approaching sleeping chickens at night slowly with a flashlight. Don't shine the light directly on the chickens as it may wake them. Once you're close, gently pick each chicken up and return it to the coop.
- Use food to distract a chicken during the day, then approach it slowly from behind. Once you are close enough, gently pick the chicken up and return it to its coop.
- Confine your chickens to the coop for a week. Once all of the chickens are back in the coop, secure the coop and keep the chickens confined to it for a week. This will re-establish the coop as their safe haven and home in the minds of the chickens.[12]
- Release the chickens again after a week. If they do not return to the coop that night, check the conditions of the coop again to make sure the water and food can be reached by all chickens and the temperature is below seventy degrees.
- Secure the chickens for a second week if they do not begin returning to the coop at dusk and the coop is in good condition.
EditRelated wikiHows EditSources and Citations
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| How to Accept Your Partner's Past Posted: 20 Dec 2018 08:00 AM PST While it's not always easy, accepting your partner's past is part of any relationship. Whether you're hung up on their past relationships or concerned about mistakes they've made, try to remain objective. Remember that everyone has baggage, and you can't erase the past. Aside from major red flags, like cheating on all of their exes or a history of violence, give them the benefit of the doubt. Focus on how your partner treats you in the present, and work on developing a trusting relationship with them. EditManaging Your Emotions - Notice when you're thinking intrusive thoughts. Learn to recognize obsessive, black-and-white thoughts and catch yourself when you jumping to conclusions. It's one thing to think about your partner's past or experience emotions about it. However, try to identify when your thoughts race or if you take a past event out of context.[1]
- Emotions such as anger, sadness, and jealousy are normal. For instance, it's normal to be sad or cry about something bad your partner did in the past. If you're jealous or insecure about your partner's ex, it's okay to vent to a loved one about it.
- On the other hand, try not to obsess over your partner's past relationships, scour their exes' social media accounts, or dwell on a minor mistake they made years ago.
- Challenge obsessive or all-or-nothing thinking. When you notice intrusive or irrational thoughts, question them. Remind yourself to stay objective, look at facts, and chip away at irrational suspicions.[2]
- For example, suppose you're suspicious that your partner isn't over their ex, but there isn't any actual evidence. Ask yourself whether you're being reasonable if you start dwelling on your jealousy, thinking the worst of your partner, or obsessively looking over their ex's social media profiles.
- Tell yourself, "Stop. It's normal to feel jealous, but I need to manage my thoughts and actions. I can't control my partner or their past, but I can control my reaction. They haven't given me any reason not to trust them, and I'm jumping to conclusions."
- If you have suspicions, it's better to be honest with your partner instead of convincing yourself of the worst.
- Seek advice from a trusted friend or relative. Vent your feelings to a loved one, and ask them for a fresh perspective. They can help you figure out whether the issue is a matter of your perception or a legitimate cause for concern. Confide in someone who's objective, and keep in mind anything you say may influence that person's opinion of your partner.[3]
- For example, suppose your parents are already on the fence about your partner. Talking to them about your partner's flaws could just worsen their opinion. If you work things out and accept with your partner's past, your parents could still resent your partner, and you'd be caught in the middle.[4]
- See a therapist if you're not sure how to handle your partner's past. If you have trouble coming to terms with your partner's past or managing your feelings, an individual or couples counselor can help. They can offer a fresh perspective on your relationship and, if necessary, address broader trust issues.[5]
EditPutting Their Past in Context - Think about things you've done in the past. Put yourself in your partner's shoes. Remind yourself that everyone has a past, and that no one is perfect. Make a mental list of your exes, mistakes you've made, and other examples that are comparable to what bothers you about your ex's past.[6]
- Imagine if your partner questioned whether you have feelings for your ex or judged you for a mistake you made 10 years ago. You'd probably think it's unfair that they're judging you for things you did before you even knew each other.
- Remember that you can't change the past. Your partner can't erase their past, and you shouldn't expect them to have a completely clean slate. Everyone brings baggage into a relationship. It's up to you to figure out whether or not you can accept your partner's baggage.[7]
- It's okay if you need some time to come to terms with your partner's past. But it's not fair to hold a grudge against them or to bring up their past during a fight. If they did something horrible and you can't accept it, it's better to end things than continually rake your partner over the coals.
- Don't define your partner solely based on their past mistakes. Take into account who your partner is now and how they treat you in the present. Try to see the bigger picture, and look for broader patterns instead of magnifying a single action. Put things in perspective, and think about how you'd feel if your partner judged you based on a single mistake.[8]
- Say your partner told you they cheated on one of their exes a long time ago, and that they feel still horrible about it. That doesn't necessarily mean that you should distrust them.
- Ask yourself if something they've done is a deal breaker. Although everyone messes up, it's okay to draw a line in the sand. Small, one-time mistakes are one thing. However, don't feel like you have to accept major warning signs, such as a long-term pattern of bad behavior or a serious crime.[9]
- Suppose your partner told you they've cheated in each of their relationships. That's a pattern of suspicious behavior, and it's okay to have serious doubts about their ability to commit.
- Say they were arrested in the past for violence, and you've seen them punch walls, slam doors, and break things. This is a pattern of violent, potentially abusive behavior. Other abusive behaviors include screaming at you, threatening physical violence, and attempting to isolate you from loved ones. If you've observed any of these red flags, ending the relationship is probably the best option.
- If they lose their temper but haven't directed their anger toward you, and if you're interested in working things out, you still need to set ground rules. They should consult a mental health professional about managing their anger.
EditAddressing Your Concerns with Your Partner - Bring up your feelings in a calm, respectful manner. Avoid bringing up something from their past in the midst of an argument. When you're both calm and in good moods, ask them to talk. Tell them something's been bothering you, and you want to be honest with them about it.[10]
- Say something like, "Can we have a chat? I'm been feeling anxious ever since you told me about how much you used to party. I'm not saying you can't have fun, but that kind of lifestyle isn't for me. Do you think you've gotten it out of your system?"
- Listen to their side of the story. Give them the benefit of the doubt, and let them give you the context. Maybe they told you about something they did in passing, but you didn't get the whole story. Avoid jumping to conclusions, and try not to make assumptions about what goes on in their head.[11]
- For instance, don't just assume that your partner still has feelings for their ex. Instead of letting your suspicions fester, say, "I know you and your ex were together for a long time, and that's pretty intimidating. They make me feel insecure, and I don't want to come off as jealous, but I need to know that I can trust you."
- Hear them out, but trust your instincts. Bear in mind there's a difference between an explanation and an excuse. It's one thing if your partner offers a legitimate explanation and puts something from their past in context. However, go with your gut if you think they're trying to pull the wool over your eyes.[12]
- For example, say your partner had a problem with drugs or alcohol. They explain how they took steps to address their addiction, and that they've been sober for a long time. Rather than make excuses, their words and actions offer proof that the past is in the past.
- Suppose your partner often hangs out with their ex alone. Maybe they're constantly praising their ex, or they say things like, "That outfit reminds me of something my ex would wear." Even if they try to explain it away, that's pretty good evidence they're not over their ex. It'd be wise to question if they're ready to commit to a relationship with you.
- Communicate openly, but don't overshare with each other. As your relationship deepens, you and your partner should feel comfortable being vulnerable with each other. Let your partner know that it's safe to talk about past experiences, mistakes, and regrets. Encourage honesty, but keep in mind that, for some topics, neither of you need to share every little detail.[13]
- For instance, telling each other about your likes and dislikes in the bedroom helps build intimacy. However, neither of you need to go into detail about being intimate with an ex.[14]
- Some people just don't want to know about their partner's past relationships. If you know you're prone to jealousy, tell your partner you don't really want to hear about their exes.
- Discuss getting STI tests if you're worried about their sexual history. If you haven't already, talk to your partner about sexual health. It might be an awkward subject, but try to be matter-of-fact. Without putting them on the spot, suggest that you both get tested for sexually transmitted infections (STI).[15]
- Suppose you find out the person you're dating has been with a lot of people, and you're having trouble coming to terms with it. Talk to them about it, and mention that sexual health is an important topic for any couple to discuss.
- Try saying, "I know it's awkward to talk about, but they say you should be upfront about sex and health. I get tested regularly, how about you? What do you think about getting tested together?"
EditLearning to Trust Your Partner - Focus on how they treat you now. Ask yourself if your partner has given you any reason not to trust them. Assess your relationship rationally, and think about how your partner has acted since you've been together. How they treat you in the present is more important than what they might have done before they knew you.[16]
- It's normal to be afraid to trust someone, especially if you've been hurt in the past. Tell yourself to stop when you start feeling suspicious or jealous. Stay objective, and focus on your partner's words and actions in the present.
- Respect your partner's privacy. Never snoop through your partner's things or try to read their texts or emails. Think about how you would feel if they invaded your privacy. If you have reasons not to trust them, discuss your concerns with them instead of snooping.[17]
- If you do find evidence, confronting them with it will let them know that you've invaded their privacy. You'll both be defensive and accusatory, and neither of you will trust the other enough to have a productive conversation.
- Distrust doesn't necessarily have to do with cheating. Say, for instance, that your partner drank a lot or used drugs in the past. You might not trust them when they say that's in the past if you've seen them drinking a lot or they're suddenly prone to mood swings.
- Talk to your partner about behaviors that make you distrust them. Choose a calm setting to bring up your concerns. Think about what you want to say beforehand, and come up with specific reasons that you distrust your partner. Try not to come off like your accusing them, but let them know the particular actions that have you on guard.[18]
- For example, tell them, "Please don't feel like I'm attacking you or accusing you of anything. But you told me you've had some anger issues in the past, and I've noticed you've been losing your temper a lot lately. Is there any way I can help? Maybe talking to someone can help you keep your anger in check."
- If you think they still have feelings for an ex, say, "It bothers me when you talk about how great your ex is or what you used to do together. I feel like you're drawing comparisons between us. I'm glad you're on good terms with them, but I'm concerned you still have feelings for them."
- Try not to let mementos of their exes bother you, within reason. Keeping a photograph of their ex on their nightstand, for instance, is unreasonable. However, don't read into every little reminder of your partner's past relationships. Holding onto mementos doesn't mean your partner is still hung up on an ex.[19]
- Suppose an ex made a really nice drawing of your partner's dog. Keeping the drawing doesn't mean that your partner is still crazy about the ex. If their ex gave them their favorite mug, using it to drink their morning coffee doesn't mean they wish they were still with the ex.
- Remember, you can't pretend the past never happened. Your partner can be nostalgic but still be committed to you. As long as they treat you right and you're both happy, don't let their ancient history get in the way of your relationship.
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